he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
