woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
