Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
