So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
