I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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