we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
