i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
