I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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