the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
