Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
