Cold hands, warm shart.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
