i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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