you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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