I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
