mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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