I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
