did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
