That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
