WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
