I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
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