Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
