i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
