I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
