I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
