Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
