She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
