There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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