How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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