He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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