I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
