Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
