my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
