Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
