So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
