the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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