Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
