Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We're too hungover to prance.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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