Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
