3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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