My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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