oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
