Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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