Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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