I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
