She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
