Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
