I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
