she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
