I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Help me help you realize you are a moron
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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