my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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