listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
